By Matt Manser

Characters:

Carson Daly

Ray

Misc. girls in TRL audience

And featuring LFO:

Devin

Rich

Brad "Deacon B"

Scene: TRL

Carson: Hi everybody. Welcome back to TRL. This is Carson Daly hanging out with you. Coming up later in the show will be the world premier of Britney Spears new video, "Oops, My Implants are Leaking," so we’re looking forward to that. But first we’ve got a special guest. Is everybody in the audience ready?

Audience: Whooooooo!

Carson: I guess so. You know these guys from their big hit from last year, "Summer Girls," also known as the "Abercrombie and Fitch" song, and now their back with a new album called "Born 2 B Dope," please welcome to the program the Lyte Funky Ones themselves, it’s LFO! (Enter LFO, girls scream. Brad has a bandage on his wrist.) Guys, welcome to the show, how you doing?

LFO: We’re doing alright (or something to that effect, and not in unison)

Carson: Okay, why don’t you guys introduce yourself for those who don’t know you.

Devin: Yo, I’m Devin.

Rich: I’m Rich.

Brad: Well, my mother calls me Bradley, but all you honeys out there can call me Deacon B.

Carson: Okay, I’ll just call you Brad. Now Brad, I gotta ask you, I see that bandage on your wrist, what’s that all about?

Brad: Oh, it’s a pretty sad story, actually. You see, I got my pilot’s license a few months back, so I decided to celebrate by getting drunk with my girlfriend and go for a little joyride in my plane. I guess you’re not supposed to do that. So the plane went down and crashed, and Michelle didn’t make it, and that was 3 months ago. So the first single on the album was written for her.

Carson: Wow. Well I guess that explains your wrist.

Brad: No, actually I’ve spent the last three months jerking off to "Petticoat Junction" reruns.

Carson: Yeah, I know what that’s like. After that bitch Jennifer Love Hewitt dumped me I got hooked on "Suddenly Susan." Anyway, we’re gonna go over to Ray right now, who’s going to take some questions from the audience. Ray?

Ray: Hey, Carso-roni, we’ve got some fine booty over here. Who’s got a question for LFO?

Girl #1: Hi, Deacon B, I’d just like to say that if I was an airplane, I’d go down on you anytime. Whoooooo!

Brad: Thank you. You’re very sweet.

Ray: Okay, who else?

Girl #2: Hi, this question is for all of you. If you had to describe yourself in one word, what would it be?

Devin: I am bad.

Rich: Tall.

Brad: In one word, laid back.

Carson: Okay, I think that’s two words, Brad.

Brad: No way, man. Guys, what do you think?

Devin: I don’t know.

Rich: I think it’s two.

Brad: Ray, what do you think?

Carson: Yeah, like Ray’s gonna know.

Ray: Uh, I wasn’t really paying attention, but I like getting laid. (pause) Back. You get it? Laid. (pause) Back.

Carson: We get it.

Ray: I kinda delayed after I said laid. Wait. I de-layed and then I laid. No, I laid, then I de-layed, then I re-layed. Okay, I laid…(Ray continues to mutter to himself.)

Rich: What’s he doing?

Carson: Sorry, guys. He gets like this sometimes.

Devin: Can’t you do something to stop him?

Carson: There’s only one thing that can stop him. (Carson speaks to Ray condescendingly, like talking to a dog.) Here, Ray. I’ve got some peanut butter crackers. (Carson holds out a package of peanut butter crackers.) Come on, boy. Do you want some crackers? (Ray notices the crackers, scurries over to Carson, and meticulously nibbles the crackers.) Good boy. (Carson pats Ray on the head.) Alright, guys, are you ready to perform for us?

LFO: Yeah

Carson: Alright, ladies gentleman, here performing their new single about the tragic plane crash, here’s LFO. (Audience screams.)

LFO performs "Summer Crash," to the tune of "Summer Girls"

Lyrics:

I’ll never forget the day the plane went down

When it landed, made an awful sound

You were there to break my fall

I always liked Oates but I hate Daryl Hall

I held you close, I kissed you our last kiss

Decapitation is a major dis

So goodbye, Michelle, it’s hard to die

This is what it sounds like when doves cry

We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun

You’re in heaven with B.I.G. and Big Pun

And Sonny Bono and Tupak Shakur

And Princess Di, that big fat whore

Reminisce sometimes the night they took my friend

Girlfriends dying is an awful trend

I can still see your severed head in my lap

I like girls who shop at the Gap

CHORUS

Tiffany and Debbie Gibson are really hot

Cheech & Chong smoke a bunch of pot

And I don’t think it’s fresh when your girl’s plane crashes in the summer

In the summer

Mr. Ed was a talking horse

I’d still have sex with your corpse

But you’ve been gone since that summer

So where, oh where can my baby be?

C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me

She’s gone to heaven, I’ve got to be good

I still watch Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood

I pray to god and I beg him please

Michael J. Fox has Parkinson’s Disease

Losing you has given me the blues

Adolph Hitler killed a bunch of jews

So would you know my name if I saw you in heaven?

My name’s Deacon B, and this is Rich and Devin

Near or far, wherever you are

Pamela Anderson’s got a bunch of scars

Oh I don’t know why God didn’t spare ya

Red Sock shortstop Nomar Garciaparra

I can still see your severed head in my lap

I like girls who shop at the gap

CHORUS

Carson: LFO, everybody. We’ll be right back.

* UCUA = "Unnecessarily Clever Use of Abbreviations"

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