Version: Rough
Written by: Paul Malewitz

Characters:
Ivanna
Greg
Edward
Various Extras from Cast

[Two cast members, one male one female enter carrying green and white Pom Poms and have green "S's" painted on their faces]

Ivanna:
Hey Greg?

Greg:
Hey Ivanna. What's up?

Ivanna:
Looks like our basketball team is slowing down. Know what they need?

Greg:
Chlamedia testing?

Ivanna:
Oh Greg you're funny like the Easter bunny. No silly. What they need is the perfect cheer.

[Spartans start to cheer]

[Towards the end of the cheer Edward, a person from the audience stands up]

Edward:
Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Stop that.

Greg:
What? What's wrong sir?

Edward:
I'll tell you what's wrong. You completely stole this sketch idea from television and it's horrible as it is.

[Greg and Ivanna reply still using stolen SNL voices]

Greg:
Ouch.

Ivanna:
Eww! That hurts.

Edward:
Yeah well I paid $3 to see this show and I expect something better than this crap. Can you rip off Saturday Night Live any more?

[Random cast member walks out]

Random:
Live from Mendelson Theater it’s Comedy Company!

[Edward looks at Greg with scorn.]

Edward:
Pathetic.

[Greg breaks character to become a regular cast member.]

Greg:
Look buddy I know I know we kind of stole this premise but we were strapped for ideas and thought if we changed the details enough no one would notice.

Edward:
You changed the "Spartan Spirits," to the "Michigan State Spartan Spirits," it's so obvious.

Greg:
Maybe in this modern age. But we're living in the future, one of great universities, scientific minds and, warfull tribes of spider monkeys. You wouldn’t understand. (Pause) When we wrote this sketch things were different. What you and I take for granted today could only be seen by the greatest dreamers.

Edward:
Let me guess. You needed something at the last minute so you wrote this piece of crap at deadline, hoping no one would notice.

Greg:
Gee, I guess you would understand. It's just that all we had were vague premises and we were desperate. Let me show you.

[Greg takes Edward to corner of side of stage where 3 cast members are waiting.]

Greg:
Here’s one of our earlier ideas. It’s a "what if" premise, a sitcom about a governor spending too much money on his election campaign. After he loses he has to live with two "crazy guys" and a very sexy blonde. Go for it cast.

Engler:
Well I’m back from a hard day of republican-ing. What I need is a nice warm shower.

[Engler peers behind curtain]

[A female screams from behind]

2 Remaining Cast Members (while sharing a knowing smile):
Eeeng-ler!

Edward:
Wow that is bad. You should sell it to CBS.

Greg:
Trust me we’ve had talks. Come over here.

[Greg and Edward walk to another spot on stage meeting two other cast members.]

Edward:
What’s this?

Greg:
We tried to write something with Al Pachino and Robert DeNiro in it, but it just didn’t work. Here’s the dialogue we came up with.

[Cast members playing Pachino and DeNiro take turns yelling "Who-Ha," and "Ya fuckin’ whore," at each other]

[Edward looks at Greg shaking his head]

Greg:
Yeah, lets just move on.

[Edward and Greg walk back to the Engler cast members this time they’re lined up holding books like a choir]

Greg:
Here’s the last thing we had. It’s a musical actually.

Edward:
Well that’s not too bad. I like musicals.

Greg:
Yeah but this one’s about the Holocaust. I’d have them sing but it might offend you.

Edward:
No kidding! My grandpa guarded a watchtower!

Greg:
I thought as much.

Edward:
Gee, now I understand why that cheerleader bit was so important to you. I’ll go back to my seat and try to enjoy it now.

Greg:
You do that.

[Edward begins walking to seat]

Greg:

Oh and sir?

Edward:

Yes?

Greg:

We did have one more idea.

Edward:
What’s that?

Greg:
Well, we wanted to think of a device that could string all the vague premises our writers were to lazy to expand upon into a single sketch.

Edward:
Well what happened?

Greg:
All we could come up with was some idiot from the audience.