Matt Manser

Characters:

Johnny, the announcer

Alex Trebek

Smoothie Johnson

Tammy Stewart

Chazz

Johnny: And now, in the tradition of our Senior’s Tournament and our Teen Tournament, Jeopardy presents our first annual Tournament of Pimps and Ho’s. Now let’s meet today’s contestants. A pimp out of Chicago, Smoothie Johnson. A Ho from Los Angeles, Tammy Stewart. And a Pimp from New York City, Chazz. And now, here’s the host of Jeopardy, Alex Trebek.

Alex: Thank you Johnny. I’d like to thank our contestants for coming out today. I know you all have busy schedules, so I’d like to thank you for taking time out to participate in our first annual tournament of pimps and ho’s.

Tammy: Hey, you look familiar. Do I know you from somewhere?

Alex: Yes, you’ve probably seen me on TV on numerous occasions as the host of Jeopardy.

Tammy: Yeah, maybe that’s it.

Alex: Of course it is. (Heh Heh) Now let’s take a look at today’s categories. They are: STD’s, Getting the Money, Celebrity Johns, Bitch-Slapping, and Ho-pourri. Chazz, you won the coin toss, so you get to pick first.

Chazz (snorting coke): I’ll take STD’s for 100, Alex.

Alex: This STD sounds like it could be tasty, but you wouldn’t want to soak them in butter.

Smoothie: What are crabs?

Alex: Correct. Smoothie, pick another category.

Smoothie: I’ll take Celebrity Johns for 100.

Alex: In 1995 he was the Englishman Who Went up a Hill but Came Down a Mountain. Later that year he was the Englishman who went up to Hollywood Boulevard where a prostitute went down on him, causing a mountain of trouble with his girlfriend, Elizabeth Hurley.

Chazz: Yeah, I’d like to buy a vowel.

Alex: I’m sorry, you can’t do that.

Tammy: Who is Hugh Grant?

Alex: That’s correct.

Tammy: Celebrity Johns for $200

Alex: Not even cancer could prevent this New York Yankee from soliciting an undercover cop in 1999.

Chazz: What is, big bucks, big bucks, no whammies, no whammies, and…..Stop!

Alex: Sorry, no.

Smoothie: Who is Darryl Strawberry?

Alex: Correct. Smoothie, your board.

Smoothie: Celebrity Johns for $300

Alex: He is the host of "Jeopardy!" What the hell?

Smoothie: Who is Alex Trebek?

Alex: Well, apparently the producers of the show are having a little fun with me, as I have never solicited a prostitute. Why would I need to? I am Alex Trebek, the host of "Jeopardy!"

Tammy: Oh, now I remember where I’ve seen you before.

Alex: Yes, you’ve seen me on TV.

Tammy: No, no, no. I remember. You liked to get real freaky, making me talk dirty in the form of a question. "What is ooh baby, right there? What is faster, baby faster? What is bite my ass? What is it’s okay, it happens to every guy?" You were nasty.

Alex: Tammy, I can assure you that was not me. It was probably some weird, twisted "Jeopardy!" fan who liked to dress like me. I have never solicited a prostitute. Smoothie, it’s still your board.

Smoothie: I’ll take bitch-slapping for $100, Alex.

Alex: He is the inventor of the bitch-slap.

Chazz: What is we’ll be back in 2 and 2?

Alex: No.

Tammy: Who is Ike Turner?

Alex: Incorrect. (No one answers) The correct answer is Benjamin Franklin, one of our country’s greatest inventors. Smoothie, pick again.

Smoothie: I’ll take STD’s for $200.

Alex: This is the STD that Alex Trebek contracted from a prostitute in 1993. Now come on!

Tammy: Yeah, I know this one. I gave you herpes.

Alex: Now hold on a minute!

Tammy: Sorry, I mean what is herpes?

Alex: Ok, now this isn’t funny anymore. How many times do I have to tell you people that I don’t solicit prostitutes! I am Alex Trebek! I could have hot, sloppy, monkey sex with any woman I want without any exchange of money! I mean, what woman wouldn’t want to do it with the sexiest game show host in America?

Tammy: Yeah, right. Regis is a whole lot sexier than you, and he’s much better is bed, too. He kept asking me "Is that your final orgasm? Is that your final orgasm?" Plus, unlike somebody I know, Regis could last longer than the final jeopardy music.

Alex: Hey, I lasted longer than that, biatch! I mean, uh, um, speaking of Final Jeopardy, it’s that time. The final jeopardy category is "euphemisms". And the answer is : "This is Alex Trebek’s euphemism for having sex with two male prostitutes at the same time." Now this is where I draw the line. Maybe I do bang ho’s, but only the female ones! Well, I see time is up. Smoothie, we’ll start with you. You put "What is the gay-ly double?" Sorry, that is incorrect.

Smoothie: Ah, come on man, help a brother out, ya dig?

Alex: Smoothie, you’re white. Now we’ll see what you put, Chazz. You have "I’ll take Jim J. Bullock for the block." Sorry, also incorrect.

Chazz: I will disagree. Circle gets the square!

Alex: Whatever you say. Now we’ll go to Tammy, who is in the lead. She has "What is the San Francisco Treat?" How did you know that? Yes that is correct. That is my euphemism for having a three-way with male prostitutes. And Tammy, you’re are winner! Congratulations! Your total winnings for today is…wait a minute. I’m just getting word that Merv Griffin Enterprises has just filed for bankruptcy, so I’m sorry Tammy, we won’t be able to give you your money.

Smoothie: You don’t got the money?

Alex: I’m sorry.

Chazz: You gots to get the bitch her money.

Alex: I ain’t gots the money.

Smoothie: What’s the matter, jive turkey? Big TV star can’t afford to pay his ho?

Alex: Hey, I am not the one responsible for paying the ho, I mean Tammy. Merv Griffin Enterprises is responsible. If it’s any consolation, I won’t be getting paid today either.

Chazz: Well, if bitch don’t get her money, there’s gonna have to be some repercussions. Come on, Smoothie.

(Smoothie and Chazz beat the living snot out of Trebek.)

FIN

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