By Matt Manser

Characters

Phil

Becky

Harold

Denise

April

Red Wings P.A. announcer Bud Lynch

(Disclaimer: Any similarities between the use of the name Harold in this sketch and Harold in Schimpf’s "The Offensive Sketch" are purely coincidental.)

Scene I

(Phil and Becky are at a Red Wings game. Harold and Denise are sitting behind them.)

Phil: Wooo! This is a great game, isn’t it, Becky?

Becky: Yeah, Phil, Red Wings are kicking some ass! This is a lot of fun.

Phil: Good, I’m glad you’re having a good time. I’m really glad, and I’m really nervous.

Becky: Why are you nervous?

Phil: Just listen, I think it’s coming now.

Bud: Ladies and Gentleman, if you would direct your attention to the scoreboard, Phil has something he’d like to ask Becky.

(Scoreboard reads – "Becky, will you marry me?"; Crowd cheers.)

Becky: What?

Bud: And Becky, if you say yes, everyone in the stands gets a free pizza, courtesy of Little Caesar’s. Pizza Pizza! But take your time, Becky. No pressure.

Phil: That’s right Becky. (Gets on one knee.) We’ve known each other for a long time, and we both love each other, and I think we’re ready. So will you marry me?

Becky: Phil, I’m not going to marry you.

Phil: What? (Crowd boos, throws stuff at Becky.) Give me one good reason.

Becky: Well, for one thing, there’s the odor.

Phil: I’ll bathe. I promise. What else?

Becky: Ok, we’re not even dating each other.

Phil: Shit, woman, your picky. Is that all?

Becky: Phil, I’m your cousin.

Phil: Jesus Christ, you stuck up bitch. "Ooh, I’m too good to marry my cousin. Noooo, I’m going to marry someone outside of my family. I’m special." You stupid, conceited, cock-sucking bitch!

Harold: Listen pal, I don’t care if she turned you down, you don’t call the lady conceited!

Phil: Ahhh, I’m getting out of here. (Exit Phil)

Harold: Are you alright? (Becky cries in Harold’s arms.)

Denise: Harold!

Harold: I’m just comforting her.

Denise: Harold.

Harold: Sorry. (Pushes Becky out of the way, sits down.)

(End Scene I)

Scene II

(Next day, same place. Phil is now with April. Harold and Denise are sitting behind them.)

Phil: Woooo! Go Wings! You enjoying the game, April?

April: It’s alright, I guess.

Phil: Good, I’m glad, because there’s something I need to ask you.

Bud: Ladies and Gentleman, if you would direct your attention to the scoreboard, Phil has something he’d like to ask April.

(Scoreboard reads – "April, will you marry me?"; Crowd cheers.)

April: What?

Bud: And remember April, if you say yes, everyone in the stands gets a free autographed jersey, courtesy of the Detroit Red Wings.

April: Oh, I don’t know.

Bud: Alright, it’s only a Keith Primeau jersey, but it’s free, if April says yes.

Phil: Come on, April, what do ya say?

April: I’m sorry, Phil, I can’t do this.

Phil: What? (Crowd boos.)

April: We barely know each other.

Phil: Oh my God, you ignorant, flat-chested, transvestite whore!

Harold: Listen pal, I’ve had just about enough of you. I don’t care if she did turn you down, you don’t call the lady a transvestite whore!

April: No, it’s okay, I am a transvestite whore.

Harold: Oh, I’m sorry. My mistake, ma’am. Sir.

April: Yeah, I’m always turning tricks in front of the Joe before hockey games.

Harold: Really? How much would something like that cost?

Denise: Harold!

Harold: I’m just curious, honey. I wasn’t going to do it.

April: Well, it depends on what you’re in to. If you like a wrist shot, five-hole, boarding, dump and chase, high sticking, wrap-around goal…

Phil: I don’t believe this. I’m getting out of here.

April: Great, there goes my ride.

Harold: What, do you need a lift?

Denise: Harold!

Harold: I’m just trying to be courteous, honey!

(End Scene II)

Scene III

(Next day, same place. Harold is in his usual seat, making out with April. Phil enters with his right hand in a blonde wig and face painted on it.)

Phil: Hey, Katey, what do you think. Pretty good seats, huh?

Phil’s hand: Yeah, these are great, you stud-muffin!

Phil: Great, because I’ve got a surprise for you.

Bud: Ladies and gentleman, if you would direct your attention…Wait, is this Phil again? Never mind, everybody. It’s just Phil. Don’t look at the scoreboard, it’s not worth it.

(Scoreboard reads – "Katey, will you marry me?")

Phil’s hand: Oh, gee…

Bud: And if by some miracle of god Katey says yes, everyone in the stands will win a free transvestite whore, courtesy of Little Caesar’s Pizza and Brothel. Pizza Pizza! Prosti Prosti!

Harold: Come on Katey, say yes!

April: Harold!

Harold: Sorry. (Harold and April make out some more.)

Phil’s hand: Oh, Phil, of course I’ll marry you! (Crowd cheers.)

Phil: Oh, Katey, I’m so happy! (Phil makes out with his hand.) Come on, Katey. I’ll buy you one of those giant foam hands you like so much.

Phil’s hand: Oh, I love you, Phil. (Phil and his hand exit.)

The End

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